Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
whose parrot is this?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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