I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
