I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
