Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He? As in you personified your dick?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
