i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
