8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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