you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
