Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
that may or may not have been my penis.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
