woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
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No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
jump out the window naked night went bad
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