I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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