I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
