Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
