I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
