You made me cry and you don't even care
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
