I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
