im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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