i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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