God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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