Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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