Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
