I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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