The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
