Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
