Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
