kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
