I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
