I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
