they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
