You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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