I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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