Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
