Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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