is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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