I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
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Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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