my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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