So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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