we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
