I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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