I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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