Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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