I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
