You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
