They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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