He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
