just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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