I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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