Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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