The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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