bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
