Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
