If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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